Hello my friends!

After last week's newsletter on the role of women in the church, I thought we should take a look at how patriarchal gender norms impact men as well.

Below is a piece I have wrote a few months ago, but one that I feel is still relevant today as the conversation around gender continues.

But first, here are a few resources on this topic:

The most recent, and probably most detailed history of masculinity in Evangelicalism is "Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation" by Kristin Kobes Du Mez. It is a heavy and rich read, but one I highly encourage you to read if you haven't already.

Interestingly, Jason Stanley's book called "How Fascism Works: The Politics of Us and Them" takes a great look at how the role of masculinity is a constant topic of debate in the politics of "us and them." It is a short and powerful book.

One of the books that has really helped me reframe this conversation is "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown. She has a whole chapter on masculinity in this book that was so deeply helpful.

All of these books are available in audio format as well, if you prefer to listen to them!

Alright, onto today's conversation:

Why don’t Christians look to Jesus as a model for masculinity?

Growing up in evangelical Christian culture, my masculinity and sexuality was constantly questioned.

I was a very emotionally sensitive little boy. I liked reading and music instead of sports. I loved playing outside in the dirt and played “war” with the other kids, but I hated hunting because I didn’t want to kill anything.

As I grew, my lack of self esteem combined with my gentleness was seen as both weak and unmanly. I constantly heard phrases like “you’ve got to toughen up” and “this world is going to eat you alive.” I was called “effeminate,” “girly,” and “a sissy.”

I didn’t date until I was a senior in high school and was constantly fighting against rumors from others over “does he even like girls?”

These rumors followed me into college and even into the ministry. I found myself constantly trying to put on a tougher exterior and be more “aggressive” than I was ever comfortable with, never truly feeling like I was actually accepted as a “man.”

As I stepped into a senior pastor role, the perpetual comments and rumors about my dating life and questions about my leadership abilities as a single pastor became unbearable.

I was always told about how Bible characters like king David and Samson were the model of “manhood” and leadership. Movies like Braveheart, The Patriot, and anything with Arnold Schwarzenegger added layers of expectations on me what I needed to do to be a “man.”

Never feeling like I fit these molds along with the constant rumors and comments made me constantly question who I was and who I was meant to be.

As I studied scripture along the way, I soon asked myself a pivotal question. Why wasn’t Jesus the picture of “biblical manhood” I was given? I think it is because Jesus wouldn’t have been considered a “man” according to the standards of masculinity I was being measured by either.

Imagine how he would have been treated in Evangelical culture today for washing people’s feet, for weeping, for being single, for riding a donkey instead of a horse, for loving and forgiving his enemies rather than fighting them, and for telling people to turn the other cheek and put their swords away.

Unfortunately, I believe he would also be called “a sissy” and constantly fielding rumors about his masculinity and sexuality in our culture today. This is evident by our habit of imposing our perspectives of manhood onto Jesus to such an extent that we don’t have room to allow him to actually inform and correct where our standards are harmful.

In our culture today, the conversation around gender and sexuality is at the forefront. Yet so much of the conversation centers around “preserving biblical manhood/womanhood” in a culture that is being accused of leaving theses “values” behind.

As one who was raised in those evangelical standards and experienced the deep pain it caused me and others, I find a deep lack of self awareness in how our culture is being blamed for “abandoning” something that has been harming so many in the church for generations.

The reality is, Evangelicalism does not promote “biblical manhood/womanhood,” it promotes gender legalism. Whereby if someone, like myself, does not fit the mold of Christian masculinity exactly, they will have their identity and personhood relentlessly questioned and criticized until they either leave, get really good at wearing a mask, hastily jump into a relationship simply to ”fit in,” or worse.

We have a tremendous opportunity right now to soberly reflect on our standards of gender and sexuality as Christians and see where we are resorting to the kind of legalism and harm like I and many others have experienced.

If we take this opportunity with faithful intentionality, I believe we will approach the conversation surrounding gender and sexuality in our culture with much less suspicion and arrogance and a lot more humility and grace. For we would come to realize how our gender legalism has contributed to the culture we have created and truly revaluate what we are trying to “preserve.”

As always, thank you for reading.

-Ben

If you find this weekly newsletter helpful and would like to support my work, consider making a donation here.​